


A competent DADA professor

by Praise_be_Bem



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bifrost, Daddy Satan, F/M, Flying Roombas, Gordon Ramsay has such a thick Scottish accent that nobody can understand him, M/M, Other, crabs, the Chamber of Metal, the apple portkey makes a comeback, the sorting hat and gryffindor's sword are crackheads
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:07:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 6,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27541309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Praise_be_Bem/pseuds/Praise_be_Bem
Summary: All your base belong to us[Gary was here. Ash is a loser.]yeet:)
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Reader, Margaret Thatcher/Dementor, Viktor Krum/Ron Weasley, lowkey Draco/Harry
Kudos: 4





	1. 1. L

**Author's Note:**

> Prompts: Hermione Granger, Albus Dumbledore’s arbitrary scoring system

Coming up to the end of another Hogwarts year, the house points were being tallied for all. The atmosphere filled with excitement with everyone on the edge of their seat.  
Slytherin was set in the lead.. However, Dumbledore decided that he did not approve. Not one bit.  
How dare these snakes slither to victory every year. It was simply not fair.  
Instead, I will allow my old house to rise from the ashes like my beloved phoenix.  
Hermione Granger practically knows everything anyway. Lets just give her 100 points because Snape doesn’t give her enough credit for anything.  
Gryffindor wins, stay tuned for next year!


	2. 2. S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: wand envy, lockdown, Gandalf becomes the DADA teacher, Quidditch but with Roombas

_In the September of the same academic year_

“Albus, but what about the Quidditch Cup?” Minerva asked, her wrinkles exacerbating the worry emanating from the facial expression. “Gryffindor cannot win the Cup if there is no Cup to be won!”

“Very true, Minerva. We cannot cancel the Quidditch Cup.” Albus nodded, deep in thought. 

“But how do we arrange it, then? With the new regulations in place for the lockdown and everything… We would be taking a risk.” Minerva mused. 

With the Novel Dragon Pox raging across the whole of Europe, it had been no surprise that most Ministries of Magic ordered strict social distancing to be followed, especially on school grounds (how they were going to oversee the social distancing of potentially thousands of students, they did not know, but they went with it anyway). This meant that sports such as Quidditch were no longer safe to be played, and Hogwarts was strongly encouraged not to go ahead with its usual termly Quidditch schedule.

Albus and Minerva, however, were determined. This was the only chance for Gryffindor to gain legitimate house points, and they could not let those slithering snakes take the House Cup.

“I have an idea,” Albus said after a long bout of silence. “Flying roombas!”

“...Flying roombas?” Minerva replied, quite unsure as to what Albus had meant.

“Yes, of course.” Albus nodded. “The students will be using flying roombas instead of brooms. You see, roombas are made for cleaning, so they can sterilise the air as they go. We would not have to worry about the regular cleaning of the Quidditch pitch, or the air surrounding the Quidditch pitch; the roombas will do the hard work for us!”

“Fair enough.” Minerva shrugged.

“Also,” Dumbledore continued, “if we brought out new regulations regarding the type of roombas available for use in Quidditch matches, we can eliminate any technological doping that may occur. I mean, you have seen how that brat Malfoy bought those Nimbus 2001s for his team back in the day? We can’t have that. We must have a show of pure and fair athleticism, which is where Gryffindor is clearly superior. Standardisation of flying roombas, I say!” Albus pumped his fist high up in the air to accentuate his remarks.

“...Fair enough.” Minerva shrugged again.

-

_At the Welcome Feast_

“But before we begin our feast, taking into consideration all the current health and safety regulations, of course, I have a couple announcements to make,” Albus said. “First of all, I am happy to announce that the annual Quidditch Cup is going ahead as usual, but on roombas instead of brooms. Roombas will be heavily standardised. More information to be announced soon.”

The Great Hall fell silent as students contemplated the announcement. Only a few murmurs could be heard, along the lines of, ‘what the fuck is a roomba?’ and ‘how are we meant to fly on roombas anyway?’

“Second,” Dumbledore continued, quieting the Hall again. “I would like to introduce the new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor, Gandalf the Grey!”

On the leftmost end of the teachers’ table, a figure uncannily similar to Dumbledore rose and nodded. 

“Would you like to say a few introductory words, my friend?” Dumbledore turned to his doppelganger. 

“I’m here to get a hold of this bitch’s wand.” Gandalf pointed at Dumbledore. “Can’t have anyone with a wand fancier than mine,” he said, then promptly sat back down.

“Thank you, Gandalf,” Dumbledore replied. “Now, onto the feast!”


	3. 3. T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: french kissing a dementor, being not only fast but very furious, undying hatred for margaret thatcher)

The next day, Ron sat down moodily at the breakfast table, full in his Quidditch Keeper gear.

“Cheer up. At least Quidditch is still going on as normal, huh?” Harry said, trying to cheer his friend up.  
“I could just about guard the hoops on a broom, let alone whatever a ‘Roomba’ is.” Ron grumbled.  
“It’s like a circular vacuum cleaner, or hoover. An automatic sweeping broom, I suppose.” Hermione explained, picking up a slice of toast and buttering it.  
“I still don’t get why we can’t just ride on brooms as normal…”

The Daily Prophet crash-landed among their plates of toast. The delivery owls seemed to be in a particularly foul mood this morning as they swooped into the Great Hall at breakneck speed. Harry had no idea why the owls were so furious this morning. Hermione automatically picked the newspaper up to examine, and promptly gasped.

"Look at this," she said, folding open the double paper spread for Harry and Ron to see.

'FORMER MUGGLE PRIME MINISTER MURDERED BY ROGUE DEMENTOR', the headline yelled. Below, the animated image showed a well-dressed Muggle woman engaged in a rather morbidly passionate encounter with the shadowy figure.

Harry shuddered as he saw the image. He had been unfortunate enough to almost receive the Dementor's Kiss at the end of his third year, and he knew how soul-draining that had been, but he had no idea someone could be so willing to accept it - let alone with such vigor.

"Former Muggle Prime Minister Margeret Thatcher was announced dead last night after a rogue Dementor was spotted outside the Houses of Parliament. The Ministry of Magic is currently investigating how one of Azkaban’s guards managed to not only leave its post, but to arrive and attack the former Muggle Prime Minister. Reports are that a high-ranking member of the Ministry sent the Dementor to murder Mrs Thatcher in a fit of jealousy and anger, but no evidence has been discovered so far. The Daily Prophet intends to update its readers on this matter.”

Ron gulped. “Suddenly flying on a metal disc doesn’t sound quite so scary after all.”


	4. 4. MY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: constant vigilance, actually attending class, Gordon Ramsay as Potions professor

After a whole night of celebration in the Gryffindor common room, Ron and Harry woke up in the morning with a really bad hangover. They quickly got dressed and headed to the Great Hall for breakfast. As the boys sat with the rest of the Gryffindors, owls started flying in to drop off parcels as well as the daily news. Hermione was already having some milk and cereal while she read the newspaper.  
“Silence! I have an announcement!” Dumbledore bellowed all of a sudden. Capturing the attention of all students. Ron stared at the front biting a piece of toast.  
“Unfortunately, Professor Snape is down with the Novel Dragon Pox and has been sent to St Mungos. Potions class will be cancelled until a replacement is found. I would also like to remind all of you to follow the safe distancing measures strictly. Your cooperation is appreciated to keep this disease from spreading. Keep a look out and report to any prefects or professors should you or anyone around you show any signs and symptoms of the Novel Dragon Pox.” Dumbledore continued.  
“We’ve got a free period now!” Ron exclaimed after taking a quick look at their timetable for the day. The boys headed back to their dormitory to sleep off their hangover after they had their fill.

_Two hours later_  
Harry and Ron ran towards the Divination classroom, running late as they had overslept. “Sorry we’re late! Got lost!” the boys pant as they apologised. “It’s alright. Quick settle down!” Professor Trewalney smiled. “Today, we will be learning how to read the crystal orb...”  
Harry and Ron took their seats at the only empty table left and started listening.

\----------------------------------One Week Later-------------------------------------

The students all enjoyed the absence of Snape and now had more free time since they do not have any potions class to attend. Harry and Ron were in the Gryffindor common room playing a game of wizard’s chess when Hermione ran in. “It’s time for dinner, let’s go before the seats get filled”  
“Ha! Queen to C4 Checkmate! I won!” Ron exclaimed. He flicked Harry on his forehead with his fingers and the trio headed out for dinner.  
Halfway through dinner, the door to the great hall opened and Professor McGonagall walked in with a man dressed in muggle clothes. “Can I have your attention?” Dumbledore announced. “This is Gordon Ramsey. He will be your new Potions professor. All your timetables have also been updated and Potions classes will be continuing with effect from tomorrow.”


	5. 5. A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: benedict cumberbatch, hogsmeade, stoned sorting hat

Ron seemed quite peeved by the news of the new professor.

“Gordon Ramsey’s the potions professor, what’s next Benedict Cumberbatch as Charms Professor or Emma Stone as Divination professor. Hogwarts has really changed so much this year.”

“How do you even know about all those muggle celebrities, Ron?” Harry questioned.

“Somehow I got subscribed to a muggle gossip magazine and I get bored sometimes.”

“SILENCE” Dumbledore roared once again from his pedestal.

“Oh good lord, what now.” Draco mumbled as students around the Great Hall expressed their displeasure towards Dumbledore’s yelling.

“Another fucking announcement…”

“Can he stop yelling every time he wants to say something”

“Wanna go to hogsmeade this weekend with me?”

Dumbledore continued unabated by the student’s displeasure. “As you know we have new teachers in Hogwarts who never attended the school before so they’ve never been sorted. So we’ve decided to sort them now. Minerva please bring up the sorting hat.”

McGonagall walked up to the pedestal carrying the hat and placed it facing the student body.

“What up, what up dude, how’s it hanging. Life’s so great you know… the colors in the sky are like… so beautiful. I wanna be a hat……………….. Oh wait I am a hat, fuck dude that’s wild,” the hat said lazily.

Damn he high af!

How’s he gonna sort Gordon Ramsey and Gandalf now?


	6. 6. D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: a capable DADA professor, referring to coffee as bean water

“This is problematic,” Dumbledore murmured to McGonagall. “The Sorting Hat has never been high before… I really don’t think it’s in a fit state to sort our new professors.”

“Bro I can hear you,” came the Hat’s spaced out voice. “I will have- I will have you know, my gOOD SIR, that this is most absolutely certainly not my first encounter with mmmmmmmmmmmm the good kush. Just- just get me some of that bean water over there, I’ll be right as rain in no time - as opposed to no rosemary, which from what I can gather is what the kitchens have, you guys should really invest in more aromatic condiments you know.”

An hour later, and the Hat was feeling like itself once more. “ALRIGHT!” it called out, “who am I supposed to be sorting this time, didn’t we just do this a few days ago?”

“We have a couple of new faculty members, who have never been at Hogwarts before” explained Dumbledore.

“Alright then, alright, send them up and we’ll see where they belong.”

“Right this way, Mr Ramsay,” motioned McGonagall.

At the end of the staff table, Gandalf noticeably flinched slightly. He had been at the first sorting, you see, and knew that students were called in alphabetical order. However, being the capable professor that he was, he kept his annoyance in check and allowed Gordon to step up to the Hat first. “I’ll make this up to him at a later date…” he thought to himself.

By now Gordon Ramsay was sitting on the stool with the Sorting Hat on his head. The Hat thought to itself for a minute, before finally announcing to the entire Hall…

“ HUFFLEPUFF! “

Cheering erupted from the Hufflepuff table - they would finally have a potions teacher who didn’t hate every fibre of their being.

“Now you, Mr Gandalf,” McGonagall continued.

Gandalf walked up to the Hat and put it on. He heard its voice inside his head.

“Mmmm an interesting case you are, sir. I see a lot of things inside your head, many of which I must admit I do not understand - why do you see visions of dementors riding big ass dragon things and chasing a ring? Well, I suppose that’s beside the point. There’s bravery in here for sure, and wisdom to accompany it as well, but at the end of the day, I think it’s quite clear that your house should be…

… SLYTHERIN! “

The final word was shouted out loud for all to hear, with thunderous applause coming from the Slytherin table.

“Well well,” Dumbledore said, “it seems that Slytherin has a new head of house!”

Confused looks sprouted from the students and staff.

_Didn’t he say that Snape was only gone temporarily?_ Was the question on everyone’s minds.

Dumbledore smiled down at the students before giving his head a little shake and continuing. “Oh yeah I guess I forgot to tell you. It seems that the mood in the castle has drastically increased since Professor Snape departed us so I decided to just fire him because no one likes him anyway. He will not be coming back lol.”

Harry, Ron and Hermione roared with laughter along with most everyone else, except of course, notably, many of the Slytherins, who were not amused to have lost their primary income of house points.


	7. 7. L

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: a Scottish accent just thick enough to be incomprehensible

Gordon Ramsey was somewhat nervous to return to his Scottish roots. It had been many decades since he was last at his motherland.  
But he was determined to reunite with his roots and celebrate his forgotten culture. Slowly throughout the year, he regained his Scottish accent.  
“Aye young lassie with the booshy ‘air, I said just a wee amount of asphodel nooo”  
“Can you all just callum down, no need to make such a foos”

This had led to many mimics of his accent amongst common room chatter. And although Snape had made it very hard to gain any sort of points or grade for that matter. This issue was exacerbated by the fact that no one could understand half of the directions. 

“This ees mingin ya maw could coook a better broth than thees. The dragon clawe is so rawe its practically scratching me half to deathe”

Many students were also frequently sent out of class. For merely asking the professor to reiterate his last instruction.  
“Ya daft coont, how could NOT understand what cloockwise is!” 

Hopefully, things will start to improve after Burn’s night, when Ramsey has had a good helping of haggis.


	8. 8. S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: Gryffindor’s sword, a pig in the wrong place at the wrong time, Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, The Room of Requirement

It was the night after Ramsay’s and Gandalf’s sorting, and The Sorting Hat was hanging out in the Room of Requirements with his good old friend, Gryffindor’s sword.

“Ayyy, mate, ya hear this? That Dumbledore lookalike got sorted into… into Slytherin! ‘Twas hilarious, I’m tellin’ ya! You shoulda seen the dude’s face, for real,” the Hat launched into his tale.

“Ayyy man, that’s crazy!” replied the Sword. “What’s gon’ happen now? Yo, can you roll me a joint, dude?.”

“Sure thing,” said the Hat. “Roll, roll, roll the joint, twist it at the end, light it up and take a puff and pass it to your friend,” he sang as he lit the cig, passing it to the Sword.

“That’s some good shit, man,” the Sword remarked. “Ya know what? Just today, I had a…”

As the Sword began his sentence, the Room’s door burst open, revealing a… pig?

“Ayo, whaddup, dude, you want some?” the Sword gestured towards the mammalian newcomer, beckoning it to come in and join the two artefacts in their smoke-filled fun. 

“...Ya sure,” the pig said after a few moments of hesitation. “Can’t hurt.” 

The pig made its way towards the Hat and the Sword. Just as he took the joint from the Sword and got ready to settle in, another shout interrupted it.

“Here u r, fucker!!!!” came the shriek of a distinctly feminine origin. “U thot u can get away from meeee??? Not today u biatch! I’ll have u as my daily sacrifice to Satan, my beloved daddy!”

From the shadows of the seventh floor corridor, Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way stepped forward. She was wearing a lacy black top that revealed much of her cleavage (as she usually did), a short blood red skirt and knee-high boots that were soooo emo and cool. And totally not preppy. She hated preps. Preps could go burn in Heaven. Her hair was dyed black with blood red streaks in it, and she was wearing make-up that made her look akin to a panda.

“Oh, shit,” the pig said. “Well, boys, looks like today is not the day.”

With renewed urgency, the pig stood and ran for the door, fearing for his life as Ebony began chasing after it.

In the meantime, still in the Room of Requirements, the Hat stared after the pig.

“Yo, dude,” he said, “Think I might have rolled this one too strong.”


	9. 9. T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: being able to understand a Scottish person

Down in the Great Hall for dinner, everyone’s eyes were on the new Head of Potions sitting at the teacher’s table.

“Did you have any idea what he was saying earlier?” Ron asked, confused. Harry shrugged helplessly.

“Bloody ‘ell,” the Weasley sighed. “How are we supposed to pass our Potions lessons if we’ll have no idea what he’s saying?”

Harry gave a small laugh. “I don’t know, Ron, I feel I’d rather not deal with another year o Snape sneering down at all of us.”

Even the other teachers were struggling to understand what Professor Ramsey was saying.

“An’ so there I was, lad, in the kitchen, tellin’ this feckin’ wee lass ‘you’re missin’ the lamb sauce!’ An’ the bloody girl jes’ stoo’ there like some kinda clype-dreep-bachle, gomeril, oaf-looking, scooner, nyaff, plookie, min-moothed, worm-eyed, hotten-blaugh, vile-stoochie, cally-breek-tattie. Call ‘erself a chef?!”

Hagrid stared at the newcomer next to him, and just simply nodded. “Righ’... yeah, er…”

Professor Flitwick, sandwiched between Professor Sprout and the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, looked rather worriedly at the Grey Wizard to his right.

“Not to worry, my Hobbit-sized friend,” Gandalf said. “He’s merely stating that the cook under his tutelage was less than adequate in her performance.”

The Charms Professor looked quizzically up at the newcomer. “And how do you know that?”

"When one has spent enough time dealing with a fool of a Took, one can better understand their talk." Gandalf explained calmly.

Next to Gandalf, Professor McGonagall shivered. “He could at least tone down the language. This is a school, not a shouting competition.”


	10. 10. D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: Headbang Potter and the Chamber of Metal, necromancers

“Com bak here u SWINE!” Ebony yelled after the pig, who was still running through the various corridors of Hogwarts.

“Dam”, the pig thought to itself, “she’s gaining on me, I need to find somewhere to hide and I need to find it FAST.”

Suddenly the pig was struck with inspiration - wasn’t there a rumour of a hidden chamber in the bowels of the castle? Surely this, frankly crazy student wouldn’t be able to follow. Pig, with new resolve, headed towards one of the central staircases.

“I’ll lead her past the Great Hall,” he thought, “they’re having food now, maybe one of the teachers will see her and stop her from turning me into bacon.”

Pig ran as fast as he could down the central staircase and towards the Hall. He could hear the chatter of the students as they enjoyed their meals, blissfully unaware of his rather dire predicament.

“STOP RUNINGG!” Ebony continued screaming at the top of her lungs, “I AM ENOBY AND U WILL BE SACRCIFED TO DADDY SATAN!”

“How is no one hearing this?” Pig thought, rather frustratedly, as he took another turn towards the castle’s depths. After what felt like an eternity, he finally saw a pair of large, looming doors in front of him. “This must be it!”

Pig ran to the doors and started pushing them open. He barely got a crack in them before they were blasted fully open by a tremendous force from the inside - was that… heavy metal music?

Pig collected himself and against his better judgement ran inside. “I’ll have better odds inside where my ears might bleed out than out here where this Ebony person will make my whole body bleed out.”

The music was so loud he could barely make out the different notes. Who was even singing? What even was this place? It didn’t seem like the chamber he had heard of, that one was supposed to have a snake, he thought.

As he reached the stage, he was finally able to make out the figures on it. Harry Potter? And his friends? Since when did they have a metal band?

“Harry, look! We have an audience!” called out Ron excitedly.

“I told you, when we’re in this room my name is HEADBANG POTTER! Welcome, friendly Pig, to the CHAMBER OF METAL!”

“The Chamber of Metal?” Pig asked confusedly. “What is this place, I had heard of a hidden chamber beneath the castle, but I was told it had a snake in it?”

“Ha! The Chamber of Secrets is but a pathetic replica of the SINGULAR BEST CHAMBER IN THE HISTORY OF CHAMBERS.” Harry proclaimed. Then, after considering for a second he added, “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

“I will take your word for it, Headbang,” Pig was careful to call him by his preferred name, “for I am not really familiar with much of the castle’s history. I hate to ask this of you, for I do not wish to be a burden, but there appears to be a crazy student following me, and she wishes to sacrifice me to Satan.”

“Well that simply won’t do! Where is this wench, let her come forth and see if she can get through us!”

At this point Ebony ran up to the stage as well.

“HA u stupid PIG i finally cot up to u NOW COM BAK HERE SO I CAN KILL U BICHT”

“Not so fast!” exclaimed Headbang, “This pig is under my protection and you will not get to him without defeating us - EN GARDE”

And without even giving her a warning, Headbang let loose a flurry of spells - Pig was quite amazed at the speed at which they were cast really, and looked on in glee as Ebony was blasted backwards.

“FUK U HARRY” she yelled out as she was flying through the air. “U CANT KILL ME U KNOW MY BEST FRIEND IS A NECROMANCER!” And with that, she promptly landed on her back and died.

“Well that was easy,” remarked Pig, “Thank you for your help Headbang, I think I will take this opportunity to run far away before her friend can come and revive her. Hopefully we will meet again some day.”

“I hope so too,” replied Headbang. “And Pig, before you go - just know that if you’re ever in need of a job, we could always use someone like you in our band.”

“That’s a very kind offer, Headbang, and I will surely consider it. For now, I bid you farewell.”

And with that, Pig ran off into the Hogwarts grounds, far away from his would-be murderer.


	11. 11. N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: being sorted into Slytherin, the £3 Tesco meal deal

While all of this was happening, in front of the grand entrance of Hogwarts stood a girl, looking in awe at the grandeur of the castle. Somewhere in the background she could hear metal music but that didn’t bother her.  
After all, she was finally entering secondary school, and a school like Hogwarts.  
OwO? Is it fourth wall breaking time?  
Henlo! I am (Y/N)-chan! I am twelve years old and I am transferring from Ilvermorny! I’m a new student! UwU. I have beautiful blond locks of hair and big shiny deep blue eyes kawaii desu-nee.   
This is an important time in my life? Why? Well…  
I am almost a teenager, which means…  
Romance!  
Yes! I am about to find my first beautiful amazing boyfriend! Have I met him yet? Don’t ask silly questions. I will eventually! And I bet it will be the boy I run into in three, two, one…  
BAM.  
“Oh no! My books!”  
“Ah shit are you alright?”  
I look up.  
OwO  
Ah yes.  
That beautiful combed blond hair, those piercing eyes, that air of rich elegance…  
“Be more careful, ffs”.  
And so he walks away.  
I wonder what his name is…  
But here he is, my future boyfriend.  
And this is how our love story begins.  
***  
It is now 8pm and it is time for my first ever dinner at Hogwarts! Our kawaii but scary professor McGonagall had me stand at the back of the hall as she made an announcement to the students while I was looking around to see my blond future boyfriend.  
“Silence, students!” she started with a strong amazing voice befitting of a true feminist. “Today, some of you will have a new friend join your house. We have a new student here today. (Y/N) transferred from Ilvermorny and it is now time for her to be sorted into a house. We made sure that this time the Sorting Hat was actually ready for the job. Bring him in then!”  
And so one of the prefects brought in the Sorting Hat, but as the prefect and the hat passed by, the students raised their eyebrows as the aroma of burned weed filled the room overwhelmingly.  
“Well then, (Y/N), up you come!”  
And so I uwu uwuw uwu walked up to the front of the dining hall, walking like the true beauty goddess that I am, and I sat down on the chair with a smile befitting of a true shoujo anime protagonist.   
“Hmm, this thing,” the Sorting hat began, “I see that you have a quest for yourself. A quest for happiness and love, and I can see that you are ready to do anything for it. Your determination for success is admirable”.  
The Sorting hat thought for a moment, and then added:  
“Just gonna warn you gal, don’t do it. Not him”.  
I look up with puppy eyes. “Oh no… Is he evil?”  
“Nah not that. Eh you’ll see. But either way, Slytherin!”  
The Slytherin table cheered loudly. I got up and started walking towards them, knowing that this is my moment to shine.  
I hope, I hope that the Sorting Hat was kind to me and sorted me into the house of my beloved.  
And as I walked to the Slytherin table, I saw him.  
Ah, so handsome.  
“Oh, it’s you, isn’t it”.  
My heart goes doki-doki.  
“Yes senpai”.  
“What? Whatever. Either way, my name’s Draco Malfoy”.  
“I am (Y/N), Draco-senpai”.  
“Please don’t. Either way, congratulations on entering the best house”.  
He hands me over a piece of paper to me.  
My heart goes even more doki-doki. Like, doki-doki ^2.  
“OwO what’s this? Is this a present for me senpai?”  
He ignores me. Ah, what a busy man… I love that.  
I look at the paper.   
A voucher for a three pound Tesco meal deal.  
…  
How… Romantic!  
I’m so happy that my boyfriend is like this! I can’t wait!  
***  
After an amazing meal and a good thirty minutes of staring (albeit not mutual staring) we finish up and go to our rooms.   
It is now midnight. I got lost getting to my room, so I walked around the castle, thinking of his handsome face…  
Handsome name…  
Handsome voucher for a three pound Tesco meal deal…  
“Scared, Potter?”  
Handsome voice… Handsome voice? OwO! I can hear my darling Draco’s voice? I know! If I follow his sugar syrup sweet voice, I will get to the Slytherin common room!  
I began running towards his voice.  
“Relax, nobody will see us”.  
I continue to run.  
“It’s too risky, Draco”.  
OwO who is that? There is someone else with him? I wonder what they are up to.  
“Come on, don’t worry, it will all be fine”.  
I’m almost there! The voice is pretty loud now!  
I am here now! I just turn the corner now and…  
Oh.  
Oh.  
Oh no!  
Who is that slut? Why is he taking away my dreamy boyfriend Draco-senpai away from me?


	12. 12. S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: Hogwarts, Ron’s unhealthy obsession with Viktor Krum

It was the day of the first Quidditch match of the season. Ron, clad in his Gryffindor gear, was fumbling around with his roomba, trying to figure out how the damn thing worked.

“Harry…” He turned to his best friend. “Help me. I can’t get this bugger to work!”

“It’s not that difficult,” Harry replied. He reached over to the redhead, pushed a button on the roomba, and in an instant, the little cleaner robot spurred to life, levitating a few feet off the ground. 

“How do I get on this?” Ron inquired.

“Like this.” Harry jumped on the roomba immediately. He patted his machine affectionately before zooming off to the other end of the Quidditch pitch to talk with Cedric, the Hufflepuff team captain. 

“Bloody roombas,” Ron muttered to himself.

“I struggle with them too,” said a voice from behind the redhead. Ron turned around in a haste, surprised that somebody else was still hanging around the Gryffindor Changing Room. As his gaze landed on the tall figure behind him, his eyes widened to the likeness of a sunny-side-up egg in a frying pan.

“Viktor Krum?” he gaped. “Wh-what are you doing here?”

“I came to watch the match, of course,” Krum said, as if coming from all the way across the continent to watch a Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff was the most natural thing one could do. 

“But… but you live in Bulgaria,” Ron pointed out very helpfully.

“I know,” Viktor said. “Quidditch has been suspended because of the Dragon Pox in my homeland.”

“But… how did you get here?” Ron queried.

“Portkey.” Viktor held up a small apple that radiated a faint blue glow still.

“...Huh,” Ron said. “Anyway, I’m a big fan, do you mind signing me here?” he pointed down, straight at his buttcheeks.

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Viktor said, taking out a black marker from his back ;pocket. “I always come prepared for situations like these.”

And that, lads, is the story of how Ron got a signature from Viktor Krum on his arse before Gryffindor’s first Quidditch match of the year.


	13. 13. F

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: Harry joins the Avengers, Drunk Peeves

From the other side of the Quidditch pitch, seeing that his best friend wouldn’t come out, Harry decided to head back in and check what was going on. He kicked at his roomba and flew towards Ginny, who was the Gryffindor’s team captain. When he got about 10 feet away behind her, he suddenly spoke:

“Hey, Ginny, I’mma head back to the changing room for just a sec, Ron hasn’t come out yet and I don’t know what’s happened to him, he was perfectly fine a moment ago.”

Ginny, who was focusing on the warmup movements of Hufflepuff’s chasers, was startled to hear Harry’s voice so close all of a sudden and almost lost her balance on the roomba.

“Ugh, these things are so different from my usual broom, so annoying with all of these new rules… but yeah, go ahead and kick my brother’s butt out of the changing room, the match is about to start.”

He nodded sharply and off he went towards the gigantic tent on the side of the pitch. When he got 3 feet above the ground, he quickly jumped off his roomba and ran towards the entrance of their changing room.

“Oi, Ron, what the--” Harry was about to finish his sentence right when he caught a glimpse of his best friend’s shining buttcheeks and Krum’s hand...grabbing onto it? 

“WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?! RON, I SWEAR, WHAT EVEN… WHAT… WHAT THE HELL?!”

“Oh, he’s just signing my butt” replied Ron nonchalantly and waved him to come closer. “C’mon, take a look! I’m getting Viktor Krum’s autograph!!”

“Ron, I swear, if you don’t pull up your trousers right now, I promise I will burn you. The match is starting and you’re standing here, half-naked!”

And just as soon as Harry uttered the word ‘half-naked’ a drunk Peeves popped in with fireworks.

“Woohoo, nakey nakey Weasley boy!”, and with that, he started dancing around and making lots of noise. All of that, together with both Harry and Ron missing, caused the entire Gryffindor team to storm angrily into the changing room. Even though Ron managed to pull up his trousers just in the nick of time, Harry still jumped in front of him, attempting to hide him from their teammates’ sight.

“Harry, what’s going on? You promised you’d take Ron out of the changing room, not stick around here with him? And the heck is Viktor Krum even doing here?!”, a rampant Ginny went full on with all of the questions that crossed her mind, flaring lightning bolts from her glaring eyes.

“Uh… I..” and as soon as Harry started speaking, a rainbow-coloured tornado surrounded him and pulled him up into the skies.

“Hello, Mr Potter, and welcome to Asgard. I hope you enjoyed your journey with the Bifrost, because there are many more to come.”

“I’m sorry? What is happening? Where am I? What is Asgard? Uh…the Bifrost?”

“Congratulations on joining the Avengers. You are the Chosen One.”


	14. 14. A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts: losing the house cup because harry and his friends went on another fucking adventure, even more pizza, crabs

“Ok, calm down, and just explain this to me, the Avengers? What even is that? Let me repeat, where am I, who are you, what is going on?” Harry questioned growing increasingly more confused the longer he was there. The people around him were dressed in clothes reminiscent of ancient greeks all flowing outfits. But at the same time there were people wearing suits of metallic armor, and at least one woman in a black bodysuit. What was going on?  
“This is Asgard, you are no longer on Earth. We brought you here because a prophecy has foretold that you would be the one to save the universe. We are the Avengers, a group of individuals with skills and powers that allow us to protect others. We need your help!” The one dressed in dark blue with a shield that looked as though it was inspired by the American Flag.

Why was there an American Flag in space?

Harry couldn’t tell how long had passed since he was stolen away by the rainbow lights. If he didn’t get back to Hogwarts soon they were going to have to forfeit the Quidditch Match and lose all those house points. His house would never let him live if he cost them the House Cup.

“I don’t really know what’s going on, but can you please return me back to where I was. I don’t want to be your ‘Chosen One’” Harry said lifting up his fingers into air quotes, “I just want to go and play Quidditch, please leave me alone.”

“If you stay and listen, we’ll give you pizza.”

“Sold! Lead the way.” Harry replied.

Harry followed behind the weird group of people as they led him across a long bridge into a towering city. Not of skyscrapers but rather towers centralized around a larger castle-esque structure in the middle. He’s certainly not in Kansas anymore.

Eventually they ended up in a large meeting hall where it appeared a feast was taking place.

“Ok where’s the pizza?” Harry asked his eyes scanning the room for his desired meal.

“There’s no pizza, that was a lie to get you here.” The tall blond one said.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Harry was sad.

_Back to Hogwarts_

“Where’s Harry? He just disappeared into that rainbow light. Maybe he just didn’t like roombas.” Ginny questioned. “The game’s about to begin. We can’t win without him.”

Without any time left Ginny was forced to return to the field without Harry leaving behind an enamored Ron with Viktor Krum. She moved to mount her roomba.

A great rumbling began. Students looked around them perplexed by the unexpected noise.

_BOOM_

An explosion in the middle of the field shot up a geyser of something raining down on the Quidditch field.

Ginny looked down at her feet where one of whatever it was laying all over the ground. It was red and seemed to have claws.

CRABS?


End file.
